Gossip Girl ends with: "XOXO"
Mom: "XOXO"
Me: "Whaaaaat? That is really odd, don't you think? How X can mean a kiss..."
Mom: "But it always has been"
Me: "But why though?"
Mom: "Well what does O mean?"
Me: "X means kiss O means hug"
Mom: "Oh..."
Me: "But why though? It seems weird. How can an X resemble a kiss. Kisses are meant to mean something more sentimental. More meaningful"
Mom: "Because it does.... I dunno"
Me: "And an O means a hug?! Whaaaat? An O has nothing to do with hugs! Hugs are fluffy"
Mom: "And Xs are sharp"
Me: "Nooooo.... And anyway, kisses are sweet, not sharp! It may as well be a pair of lips on the end of a romantic letter.. You know, just to ruin it.. Or a K. That suits better. Makes a bit more sense"
Mom: ... ... ... ... ...
Me: "It's just silly. I like to think of kisses as something sweeter"
Mom: "You think too much"
Me: "You're not the first one to say that..."
... ... ... ... ...
Mom: makes weird noises to make atmosphere change

Shoot for

the moon.

Even if  you 

miss, you'll land 

among the stars...

Not knowing where he stands is harder to grasp, than not knowing where my own two feet stand. The thought of it trembles my knees, I have only to ask him, but the question kills the atmosphere like a gun shot, loud and deafening. The question to ask would be "Where are you? Where am I?" But the answer could be anything, or nothing. The silence would be pulsing through my ears and my chest, things more clear than before, until there is possibly no reply. The effort to ask the question was wasted. Was it all worth it? The memories? The heart break? The loss?  The love? The heart has been torn up, eating at anything close to it. It's failing, losing hope, and then finding new friends, new companions. But it's not the same. Not now. Maybe some time later. But to wait is hard. To wait for the mending to begin is difficult. The Summer. That's all I am asking. July. August. Sun. Stargirl wants it all. No more work. No more stress. No more heartbreak? Does it even seem possible. Not in Stargirl's eyes. She's holding on, holding tight. Still waiting, listening for him to start to talk. For him to come to her for once. It all seems too real. Why can't things be more simple, more joyous like on those camps she spends with her closest friends, why can't they take care of her everyday? It all seems too real.

I've been keeping company with a Ghost.

Friday
Journey - sooo long. Good think we swapped seats - killed me to sit with Chris all day.. O.O
Gig - tiring, heard Francois sing ^^ kissed his cheeks.. that was it.. He smiled at me a few times. He noticed I was there, thank goodness


Saturday
Disney - lovely to be a kiddy again!! missed that! - Francois told me we had to stay as friends :(
Rides - I went on some HUGE rides, even after eating. Aren't I a hard cookie ;D
Party - fun to meet some nice French! Some were SO nice i'd love to see them again!
Alcohol - i drank a bit and got a bit drunk, but i was okay. Chris didn't touch a drop - stubborn

Sunday
They left at 12 - I kissed francois' cheeks, made him laugh..
Went to Paris - quite animated. Snuck passed security a lot
Bought Souvenirs - nothing much.

Monday
Compiegne - small town/city, pretty...
Memorials - upsetting to see
War - graphic and realistic

Upsetting - scared i'd get shouted at... Got ill again.

Hotel with the girlies - Hattie + Hazel - Sally + Libbz + Helen :)

Tuesday
Paris - alright.... not a lot to do though.
Meal - nice to eat at the house


Wednesday
School - okay day bit late though
Free lessons - sat with the smokers
Party at the castle - weed infront of me - stoned people
My first drag - disgusting - never do it
McDonalds - awkward. Francois said nothing to me


Thursday
School
with Libby etc - thank goodness
Party a la college - karaoke was funny - Francois was keen to see me, but barely spoke - although I was cheeky and messed up his hair, he missed that, i could tell from his expresson.. =/


Friday
Goodbye - with francois and mel - tears - a lot of
Travel - 15/17 hours
Tears - annoying
Chris close to strangling - rude prat - 'i'm gonna kill francois'
Home - what a state i'm in
Packing - too late to pack - i don't want to go tomorrow
Sleep - fast.

Saturday
Early - too early?
Camp - good!
Meet newbies - seemed sweet
Challenges - not too hard - went well
Campfire - hard to sing - i must say
Goodnight talks - funny how hugs can be seen as rape.. ehem. Me - giddy


Sunday
Early awake - but it was ok
Weekend Vegetarianism - I can't eat camp meat
Interview - went well - I was smiley
Pathetic shooting skills - took a while...
Littledale challenge - was good with Sarge
Goodbyes - bye byeeee
Night Night at 6pm - so tired


Monday
Awake at 9am
Stickers and canvas, no shoes or clothes
hurt wrist - from yesterday?

Tuesday

A nothing day - work, talk to people all day...

One of these three, he actually has a tag of.

 

That has either got something to do with who is in the pic with him, or to do with how good he is looking... I hope it's the second reason... Because I'm hurting over the tiny things.

Ellen - Je T'aime Beaucoup.

Memories are awesome. Think of it that way.

We ARE two peas in a pod ^^

Thursday afternoon at Le Lycee I was sat next to my best friend Libby. Me and Libby were sat in a French Classroom in the middle of a French Test worth two hours. The exam was long, especially for two English girls who were bursting for a pee. It was funny, but it was long. Not a good combination one must say. We were sat in the back corner of the classroom with books thrown on the table top and notes flying everywhere. We had to be quiet, which made the whole experience more funny. Chris was sat at the table to my right on his own with a friendly french girl. He was being good reading one of my books based on vampires and sex. He was quite content with it all. Libby and myself passed each other notes and giggled at the back of the classroom, we commented on the boy who was sat directly infront of Libby. I got the best view of this boy, a boy with a hypnotic smell, a smell so strong it was sometimes overwhelming for me. It smelt so sweet and powerful. His smile was beautiful and amazing, his hair was of longish blond waves. 

My name for msn conversations, the people whom know me possibly a lot better than others, is Stargirl. This often changes to names such as Shyviolet. HariboSweets or Juliet Capulet, depending on the situation. Stargirl. The boy infront often turned to talk quietly to the girl sat next to Chris about the exam. In other words, they cheated. Passing the mobile back and forth. It was funny to watch. Me and Libby noted how easy it was to cheat, the teacher at the front of the class was twiddling her thumbs for a long long time. The boy sometimes snuck in sneaky glances to the girl behind him. Not directly behind, because that would have been Libby. But the glances were at me. Shyviolet. Shyviolet kept smiling. 

Another time the boy turned around, he looked at a Pink book on the desk infront of Libby and I. He picked it up, and read the cover. The image was of a silver stick-girl (rather than stick-man) with a silver star over her. Underneath, also in silver were the words 'Love, Stargirl'. A book. A sequel to the first book called 'Stargirl'. The boy looked at the book for a few more seconds, and looked up to meet Shyviolet/Stargirl's eyes. He waited for a few moments longer, smiled, chuckled a bit, smiled again, and turned around, placing the book back onto the original table. Libby nudged Stargirl, and started writing down notes onto the note paper. It read 'Well, he noticed didn't he! He remembered that you were Stargirl. He knew it. He misses you. I can see,'

Stargirl looked back at the boy sat infront of her, and felt her heart skipping rythmically. Her eyes began to sparkle, as the cold air in the room came through from the windows. Her eyes began to show some tears, and Libby had noticed. She held her tightly. 

A few minutes passed, and Stargirl burst into giggles, holding her mouth with both hands trying to be quiet. These were the laughs you get when you do not want them. It was from the french phrase book infornt of her, she had opened it up, and it read, in french, and this is my daughter... Stargirl immediately thought of introducing someone like Chris to a stranger with that phrase, hense the giggles. Libby joined in. The boy infront heard the girl behind, and turned around. He started laughing with her, smiling like old times. Stargirl enjoyed his attention, and began to slow in her chuckles. She looked back at him, longer. Libby sat watching the scene. The boy infront, gave a sympathetic look of sorrow. He was upset with himself. Stargirl felt sorry for him. She didn't want to be away from him. She wanted to always be with him. The boy who didn't know everthing about her, but knew enough to keep up. He liked what he knew. He liked her. Or he had. She hadn't liked what had happened that had changed it all. SHe hadn't liked what people had been saying.

Stargirl is like me. Her story is like mine. My mum had noticed this. My friends had noticed this. I hadn't realised until this day, that the story is so similar to my own, and that Leo and Stargirl first fell apart, because of the people around them. Leo and Stargirl lived in two separate places, far far away. Stargirl and Leo loved each other. Stargirl was different. Leo was special. Both had to find a way to be together.

I think I've fallen in love with the French boy who was sat infront of me. I think I've fallen in love with Francois. Francois is the boy who sat infront.

PIG OUT DAY

It isn't ever day I fall for a French Dude.
My French Dude has blonde-longish waves of hair with the power to cover his eyes if he wants it to.
He has Blue-Grey-Green eyes that sparkle when close to tears.
He is strong, strong enough to take on me. And I am not at all light. Nor am I incredibly oese (just a tad) with muscley arms = Hell Yeah!
He is tall, 5"10. Another of my tall peoples selections. He tends to tower over me.
him + me <3

But enough about him, eh? I bet you weiners are bored of this tripe. Am I right?

Let's talk about........
My obsession with sleep and food this weekend!
That should be interesting!


Sunday I got back at 5ish in the afternoon from camp and headed straight to the fridge, not like a magnet, although that would have been hilarious! And I did eat, but that was it. I went straight to my parent's bed and slept until 8. Then got dinner, then back to my OWN bed to sleep until 9. Is that 15 hours in bed? And as a teenager of 16 years I am meant to have atleast 9? Oops...
So I woke up and have HELPINGS of breakfast, cereal x2 and toast. Lunch was a cheese and onion pie.. yumm... and then fries (LOTS OF) I blame the cafe for that load. Sweets, Lollies, cakes. I don't know, but that is BAAAAD. Meh, I'd done good eating all week. This was my PIG OUT DAY.


Okay, lets talk about Francois again. Or his partner Chris?
Chris didn't thank Francois' parents. Chris didn't say Goodbye!!! all he DID do was COMPLAIN. So rude... O.O I may just kill him.

Well we're talking normally =)

F                           ran¢ois         says:
*I don't want to go at his house
*Hmm
*The first things he did when he came back in England
*was to delete me on facebook and msn
   Star       girl.    (st) says:
*:-O
*Ok
*He's a pathetic poo
*I would say stay with me, but my parents......
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*^^
   Star       girl.    (st) says:
*shall i ask?
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*We'll see in summer ;)

Cutie pie

We were late to finally say goodbye, but the bus was even more late.

It was 5h27 in the morning, too early.

I was tired and shy. I stood next to Helen and Francois. Scared to make a move or talk.

It was when the bus finally arrived, that I turned to him.

His hair was covering his blue-grey-green eyes. 'Francois. Can I have a hug?' I moved over to him, he held me tight. His breathing was uneven and my mind was a blur. 'Here, take it' I handed over the bracelet, heart jumping. "No, keep it" 'Fine' I replied, and took off the liquorice bracelet. It was only fair. 'Here you are' We kissedboth cheeks (bisous) and I looked up at him. His eyes were sparkling, close to tears. I reached up and kissed his soft cheek, turned to collect my bags and walked to the other side of the bus.
I cried. Managed to make Mel cry too. We all cried. I'm not sure if Francois did.
He is my Leo. but he is Taurus apparently.
Stargirl.

People pay me attention when I'm most vulnerable.

I'm not well. at all. I'm ill from exhaustion and stress.
Saying goodbye hit me so hard. I wanted to collapse. I have a terrible feeling I wont see him again. Out of all the people I fall for, he was the only one who fit me perfectly. He did the cute shy-phase, which i am famous for. He was the one to move in on me. He was the one who I could hold well. We fit. Apart from the obvious reasons:
i)He lives in another country
ii)I struggle speaking that language, a lot
iii)His partner fancies me too
iv)his partner has possibly got some serious health issues
v)his partner made me ill

All I want to do is hug him, smell him (as odd as that may sound) touch him, kiss him... It's unbarable.
I'm so tired. My brother called me pathetic. He doesn't know.

Camp was great however. Nice Spense is like a french exchange brother of mine. Young and funny. Finlay, My ex's younger brother is like a scout brother. We got on well. I took care of his accident proneness. I hope we both get onto the Sweden Jamboree.

Facebook has been banned for 3 months. Chance to concentrate on school work and to avoid the arguments with the partner, the bitch who i trusted, and many more. I am to be more responsible about what I post online becaue of future emplyers. Avoid the sexual-joking talk and the urban-dictionary that started this all off.

Peace couzin :)

It's a day that I can't stand
It's a day that I'll never miss.

Just a drop of water in an endless sea.


?????????????

And so the week has had it's own ups and downs.
I did get off the bus safe and sound, and was greeted by Melanie and her friends warmly. They all seem nice and crazy. I saw Francois too, I moved my arms to suggest he come over to hug me. He saw the gesture, moved forward, hesitated then walked back. And I went cold. I knew something was wrong from then on.
I didn't see him until later on, which was at the school's music gig. Mel walked me over, and I gave him a hug. He was sat down. I sat with him for a feew moments, occasionally I'd spot him looking at me from the corner of his eye, but he tried to hide it by looking straight back to the performance. He smiled occasionally too.
After that,, I saw him at disney. To greet him i kissed both his cheeks again. We were more distant than ever, and so i plucked up the courage to speak to him in a queue; I stroked his arm, he turned to face me:

Me: Me and You? Whats happening?
Him: I think it is best we stay here. So we don't get hurt.
Me: Oh, I understand.

I didn't. Because GOD that hurt me like a blade in the arm.





More later....

Tomorrow, I will get onto the bus. I will sit with Chris - Francois' Partner. He doesn't mind if I sleep on his arm.

Tomorrow, I will get off of the bus and see Melanie and her family.

Tomorrow, I will be in another country.

Tomorrow, will be a long day.

Tomorrow, I will walk off the bus, and see Francois.

Tomorrow, he will see me.

Tomorrow, I will find out if he still wants me.

Tomorrow is scary.
 -------------------
I want it to be a good day
I want to marry Libby during the journey with Haribo rings
I want to kiss Francois
I want Francois to kiss me
I want Francois to love me for the week
 ---------------------------------------
I don't want to break my own heart
I don't want to break his heart
I don't want him to not want me
I don't want Chris to get angry
I don't want Mel to be upset

Wanting to make this blog private. But I don't know how... O.O

Shmeh. Imi and Tishi have created a plan for me. A plan I can stick to. A plan that can only fail, if the participants don't like it.

The Plan
 The plan is to go to France (No way of getting out of that one seeing as though it's been paid etc) and to have an affair with Francois. It isn't technically an affair, seeing as I am already with him (in a sense) but in the fact that it is quick, and he's the one I truely want t be with at the moment.
He knows I miss him, and he knows we've got something.

Following this plan, is myself returning to England. By that time, Imi will have contacted Tom (Potty) and had conversations which will soon-enough remind him of me. She will slip me into conversation, and he will remember me. He will ask her about how she knows me, and she will explain how we are best-friends. He'll suggest we meet up again. Hopefully.

If he does like-like me, then hopefully things will start off fast.

I want to befriend him properly. We got on super well at camp...
I will see him, not the weekend after Paris (I'm at this interview/camp) But the weekend after, at church, with Imi. I'm trying out a Protestant Church. I'm actually a Catholic, and I know theres always been a feud about the traditions, and mum told me not to convert, but i'm ch-ch-checking it out. Apparently it's a musical place, and Tom ges there... so maybe.
It'd be nice to mix with more people my age too. :)
I hope he goes... I really liked him.

Will this plan work?

A lovely weekend :)

Friday night
And so we saw everyone crowding in as usual, hugging, smiling, high-fiving.... And I'm introduced to MORE people! Some are lovely, some are nice, and some... no offence, but are annoyingly dumb.
And so.... I see this guy I've met before, but vaguely. A cute face, hot hair. Dark hair, with a blonde fringe, which surprisingly suits him. At first, he sounds like he'd be one of the cool kids, who's really popular. But after knowing him, I can see how he can be annoying. But yeah, we got on really well. I wasn't good with the sleeping... ehem.. 30 mins for one night?! But he came into the room I was sat in (at 3am) and cuddled me. He then sat in the seat next to me, and tried to get me to sleep. Of course he failed, but he was sweet for being there with me. Resting his head on my shoulder, I waited for him to sleep. He did.
Personally, I blame the coffee..... But yeah, I thought he was cute, but now.. he's just seen as a friend. Oh. And everyone thought they saw a spark between us.. but no. We're just quite close. And get on well. And... He can pick me up.. which is odd seeing as he's a bit smaller than me.
Old friends still rock :) Love them all. George was so adorable, as ever. He's funny, telling me how disappointing I am to him, telling me to 'get out' and pushing me on the swing so that I lose balance and have to jump off in order to stay alive. He told me I was light, so that obviously made me feel better.
Ellen had to dump her boyfriend because she is so busy. She needed some LOVE and I gave that to her. Loads of cuddles and talks. She missed me, she'd said.

Saturday
Considering my lack of sleep, I survived. I was still as hyper as usual. Ellen, bless her, is so busy that she is leaving young leaders for a few months. But I'm always there for her, no matter what.So we were up early, around 7:30 ish. Harry walked in early, only in a pair of jeans. He's got a hot body ^.^ Not that I was looking...... O.O...... but he does. I swear he works out. He smiled at me and went in for a shower.
George and TomL came in aswell, looking WORSE than me. Bags under their eyes... wth? 'How are you two doing, you look a bit messed up....' 'Oh, thanks... Nah, I feel ok. Slept well, look rough, how well did you sleep?' 'Erm, 30 mins?' 'My God! You look better than us two,'
I'll take that as a compliment then... :L
So after breakfast I think I remember us having a few modules to cover, a lot of them were writing involved, etc. So boring, but fun because you were with wacko-people of the moon.
I was complimented a few times that day though. Lovely eyes, light, etc. So that made me feel better.
When I was with Ellen and George, this new guy appeared. I asked Ellen who it was, and she told me he was called Tom. He had blonde curls, greeny-blue eyes, skinny and tall-ish. He wore a green top with Jeans and pumps, and looked nice, I must admit.
Feeling shy, I didn't want to be awkward and introduce myself, so I went for the option of talking to nearby friends so he could slyly come and join. Of which he did ^__^
We spoke on the Saturday night, after the film, and got on quite well. He's cute and has a posh-like accent. He's one of those who aims to tickle you whenever. So quite playful. :)
GOD. Is he one I'm falling for? Well... I guess he's closer than Francois? eh? Hmph. I hate myself.


Sunday
Woke up early-ish, and chose to help out with the breakfast. I was assigned to thee bacon. It was cheap crap, but worked all the same.
The Tom guy (whom I will call Potty [surname-nickname]) was a keano and came to watch us cook. He helped me out, and asked if I wanted him to do some. I let him.
He's good in the kitchen! :L Espcially when I qhip out my FAIRY bubbles and play-fight. I got George, Harry, Issy and Potty WET :D I couldn't resist. There were so many bubbles and so little time. SQUISH in their hair, on their arms. NOICE. :P
Potty got thee fringe wet.... O.O the fool.
We had the 'gaming' session too. I got my ankles tied to someone elses ankle with a strong knot, and we had to run to fetch a ball. I was in such a laughing fit, I fell over and knowcked all three of us down. GOSH it was fun!
Then we played the 'holding hands-circle' one. This involved us all holding hands and getting twisted. But Scott ruined it.
Scott said something to me, with everone around to hear, about me. I looked away. Shy. Hiding. Hiding myself. My identity. A shy boy called Ben looked up at me to see my expression. But I was hidden. I looked away from everyone, and moved my fringe so it covered my face. Tears strolled down my cheeks, running of my jaw. They asked me to move to sort the circle out. I didn't move. Scott moved so he was next to me.
Scott: Are you okay?
Me: Fuck off Scott (i budged his arm)
Scott: I'm sorry
Me: You're not
As soon as we were freed (I didn't want to walk out mid-game) I walked over to Cathie "Look, I'm gonna go back" "Oh? Sure"
I walked away, tears still left on my cheeks. I walked through to the end of the field, and as soon as I knew I was out of sight, I ran. I ran to the cabin-place. As soon as I was in I saw Ellen with her twisted ankle on a chair.
Ellen: Are you okay sweetie? What's happened?
Me: I'm SO sorry
I went to the bin to throw up. But nothing came up. Nothing wanted to budge.
I grabbed a towel and wiped my whole face. Cathie came un very soon after.
I explained to them what happened. And now Ellen knows why I get bullied.
I don't want anyone to know. Because it's a physical thing I hide.
It irritates me. It hurts me. It's killing me inside.
I want to run away from it all.


I was awarded 3 badges that day. First Aid. Young Leader. Platinum Scouting. Photos were taken. I was sat with Tom and Issy. Tom sat next to George. I think we're nice friends :) Yay. He likes to push me on the swings like George so I get extremely dizzy. He can push me too :L So obviously I'm not THAT heavy (rising that self-esteem step-by-step) He made me giggle during the awards.


Even better though: Imi knows him. And thinks it's cute I like him, and that I know him too! 'OMG, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS MY FRIEND!!!'
She wrote in our msn convo:
Potty + Stargirl = perfect couple.
I'm his type apparently :) But does he like me back, that is thee question.


Look at me with my guy things.!.!.! I'm obsessed...... :)

He told me to stop saying sorry, because apparently, it's ok.

But he's barely talking... I hate this awkwardness!!!! Chris told me he 'loved' me last night... O.o WHAT THE HELL? I miss him so much :(

I have been sick 4 times tonight, based on how upset I am. Maybe my mom is right about this.

And anyway, it's nice to know how much I can ruin someone's chances of a good exchange.

Francois isn't talking to me properly.

Chris is ready to ill me at school.

And I'm throwing up. SHould I even go to school tomorrow? Will anyone stay by my side?

*|100|*

^.^

Yes, this is my 100th blog post. And I'm happy writing it! :):)

Chris told me that he would give me and Francois a night on our own, just us two. I have a feeling Melanie would too. I'm happy in that sense, although he later revealed that it had something to do with sex.

I haven't spoken to Francois tonight. I had wanted him to say hey to me for once, to see what it was he did say to start a conversation, but I let it go and did my coursework instead.

It seems he was busy too.

My coursework however did annoy me. I had done a lot of work, and then, whilst saving it, the programme came up with an error (just my luck, eh?) and removed all my edits. I now have to sedo work at school. Yippee.

Meh, I'm happy. :)

I have learnt the words to : The Dynamo of Volition-Jason Mraz, A very speedy song, but heh, I still got it. I already know the lyrics to Lucky + I'm Yours, but who doesn't to I'm Yours? Haha!

Shopping with the mother was brilliant, as always :) She means so much to me, and having that time with her is lovely.
We went into the Tapas Bar we love :D I wasn't well enough to eat though, because my body is messed up O.O But Yessum. 
Then into REEF ^.^ Got the super purple hoodie that 'suits me' as they said :D:D 
and then to TK MAXX which sucked. It didn't have the cute Tees that stated that I was a day-dreamer.. RAR. 
Then to New Look and saw SO many things relating to France!! Meh, I bought some alice-hairbands :) Cute.
Then to Matalan ^.^ WOO :L We saw a few thingy-magigs though. I spotted an amazing dress! It was gingham, blues, whites and reds, and represented the union jack. It did not look anyway near tacky, as you'd expect, it had a zip on the front. It was a sleeveless, with puffy bottom. You could even change it around to look like a top. It was AWESOME. Something to wear in France, just to let them all know how British I really am ;D HAHA.

But yessum, good day out with the mum. :)

Off shopping with my Mommy.
She's already bought me hair products (Mmm) They all smell nice :)
And now we are off to buy some clothes pour moi. My wardrobe is not looking good, so Baggy Jeans, cute T-shirts and some cardi's will do just fine.
Awwwh, she's a sweetie, sometimes! ^.^ I'm so lucky to have her. I really truely am. :'( Here I go and start crying..
What is with me? I am SO emotional :L Silly me. I have good reason to.
Meh, Lancaster and Morecambe (:
Yumm......!

Cried again.  I know I promised him I wouldn't, but I did. Fair's fair.

Chris says:
*he doesnt need to know FFS HARRIET
         Harrıət         says:
*he does.
*don't make him know last minute
Chris says:
*you dont say anything till it is definant jeeez
         Harrıət         says:
*his parents dont know a thing
*and they've paid for all this
*no
*nothing has to be definite
*you tell someone, as it comes
Chris says:
*No harriet
         Harrıət         says:
*STOP USING MY NAME LIKE THAT
Chris says:
*i will cos if your gonna start saying stuff like that
         Harrıət         says:
*you tell me it has nothing to do with me, and then you say it does. NO SESE
**N
Chris says:
*yeah well it really doesnt have anything to do with you if im honest
I think it's better for him to don't

Ok. I am one confused girly.


Do I want Chris to give up Francois, to decide that Francois means nothing to him? To choose for another person. Because consequently, he will be able to see me more, without the issues springing up. Francois will be with me a lot more than he would originally. 

But of course, I must think of Melanie. What am I talking about. Melanie is my 1st priority.. Uk. I'm so daft.


Or


Do I want Chris and Francois to stay together, to get on (or not) to see him occasionally and to have him allowed to hold me at certain times? To come back in the holidays to see Chris' family and see me too.



This is incredibly awkward.
Libby, I need you!

Tu Me Manques

F                           ran¢ois         says:
*And me i just want to be with you
         Harrıət         says:
*see, it is my fault
*i'm not special :(
*but chris wants to be with you
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*You are -_-
         Harrıət         says:
*i am not :(
*I want Chris to be happy with you
*please don't make me cry
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*I've told you you're special, and i still thinking it
         Harrıət         says:
*this hurts more than words can say
*but chris is your partner
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*I don't care
*I prefere stay with you than with Chris
         Harrıət         says:
*:(
*but chris will make things hard
*how will you get to be with me?
*have you spoken to melanie about this?
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*She found Chris' behaviour stupid
         Harrıət         says:
*Chris is strange and 'unique'
*what else has she said?
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*Ask her ^^
         Harrıət         says:
*:L ok
*the teachers won't be happy with me :(
*they'll think you want to be with me more than him
*:S
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*Is it necessary to tell you again it's not wrong ?
         Harrıət         says:
*:( I feel terrible.
*But i want to be with you
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*=/
         Harrıət         says:
*Je ne veux pas te perdre =(
*c'est correcte?
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*Oui (L)
         Harrıət         says:
*(L)
*tu me manques :(
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*Toi aussi =(

Ms Sargeant, a french teacher at my school, was looking for me today, and spotted me, then with one finger, grabbed my attnetion. I got up from my seat at the laptop infront of me, and left the room.
I should have seen it coming, really. It was bound to happen.
And so, i was outside the door, as was she, and she started talking, in that somehow girly but authorititive voice. Seriously, is that possible?
But anywho.
"Well, it's about msn and facebook really. Mainnly about your relationship with Francois,"
Jesus, don't tell us to break up. He won't do it, nor will I.
"And I think Chris is simply jealous of your relationship. This exchange is for you and Melanie. Like for Chris and Francois. They must spend time together too."
Me:
"Oh, well.. I must have misunderstood something, somewhere, but Chris didn't seem all that happy in the first place. He was telling me about how they didn't get on."
Her:
"Oh? Really?"
"Yeah, I'm probably getting this all wrong, knowing me. But I wanted to help Francois out, seeing as though Chris had shrugged us both off."
"Ahh, ok. Well he can't change partners this late," Damn! "But yes, thank you Harriet. See you soon."

Uch.

CUTEST EVER.

Harrıət         says:
*tell me something else
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*I miss you ?
         Harrıət         says:
*how much?
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*enough to cry 2 times ? ^o)
         Harrıət         says:
*not enough :P
*no, you shouldn't be crying!
*NEVER!
*NO!
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*too late haha
         Harrıət         says:
*That's for me to do!
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*That was the first time i've cried for a girl ^^'
         Harrıət         says:
*and it was for me?! :-O
*i'm not that special!!!
        F                           ran¢ois         says:
*No, for Chris -_-
*You are :)
         Harrıət         says:
*^.^
*NOOOO
*nu-uh
*:L

How will I really know he likes me?
Would he invite me to run away with him? Because I will say yes.

But hang on.
I really like him.
How would it work? :( DAMN THESE ISLANDS KNOWN AS COUNTRIES

The tears are currently staining my face.
I can still smell him.
I can still see he's interested.
I'm just so scared he'll leave me.

Heh, I'm preparing myself for the worst, huh?

François, realise how much you mean to me.

Flipping tears, back again.

I am sorry for all these tearful posts. It has to happen. Maybe I'm crying because I'm happy to have him?

Francois:
 Night Harriet Fais de beaux reves <3
Bizoouuuuuuuuuux.


In english:

Night Harriet, Sweet Dreams <3
Kisses.

5:30

Got out of the car, knowing that he was in the vehicle next to us. I walked around to the back, to pull the heavy suitcase out for Melanie. After doing this, he walked around, held me tight, and pressed his soft lips against mine. Previously I had had some coffee, but this was something refreshing. No one saw.

5:35

Everyone: Parents, Teachers, Pupils, Friends, stood around the french bus holding each other tight, saying their goodbyes and hugging. Francois held me close to his side, stroking my forearm, possibly to stop me from crying. Occasionally he would turn me to kiss me. We were on the outside of our group of mutual friends, but we were slightly too obvious. After kissing, I sometimes looked up. And saw that his cloudy blue, green eyes, were looking down on me protectively. It was hard to see his eyes, because his longish blonde hair covered them, but I could see one eye, looking down on me. I snuggled up closer. My mum had noticed the kissing, as had the teachers and the kids. But to be truthful, the only people who affected my thoughts, was my mum. And even that was slightly. Because she knows I really like him. And so, for a very long time of hugging, kissing and hugging friends again, it came to the departure.

5:40

Still holding me, he took off his necklace (I'm not so sure what it is called for guys) and placed it over me. I pulled his 'favourite' smile, and was happy to have something to get through the tough 18 days with. It still smell of him, and manages to make my heart flutter at an incredbile rate. But I had nothing on me, I was in pyjamas, at school. And so, I whipped out the packet of seriously-sour sweets from my pockets. He held me tighter and told me how cute I was. Of course I blushed!

5:45

They were being called onto the bus, and so Francois held me tighter, again, kissed me longer and more. "I will go on last. I don't care about the teachers," And so, he eventually was called on, he squeezed me tight, and let go. I watched him get onto the bus, and heard Ms Sargeant My old teacher and Will's new form teacher) calling my name.


"I see that there is some sort of romance here then?"
I blushed! "Erm, haha, maybe..."
She hugged me..?


5:50


And the bus left. Everyone departed. I held Libby tightly in my arms and wished her well for a few more hours of lala land. We walked back to the cars, and I heard Chris' mum saying to my mum, "Awwwh, aren't they just so sweet," My mum nodded.


5:51


We were on the roads, mum chose a different route to go back home.
"Oh, look sweety, there's the bus infront. Would you like to follow it, sugar?"
"Erm, Mum, it's upto you," I would have been more ecstatic, but I wasn't keen on mum's reaction.
"Alright then,"
Thinking we were going a certain way home, I was amazind to see she had taken the route the bus had taken, and was on it's tail.
"Wow, look at us, we're even over-taking it. Go on honey, wave,"
And so I did. Half-expecting someone I didn't know would wave back, half-expecting no-one would, half thinking Francois would. But no. No one saw me.
"Ok darling, say bye to the coach now"
"Bye bye," I said, as if I were still young.
I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. My eyes were too alert for tears.


8:43


And Libby made me cry. I was in need of having someone to hold, someone who knew what state I was in. She knew everything. Every last bit. How much I liked him, she even gave me her blessing. Which truely means the world to me. She's such a star, and was lovely having her holding mefora few short seconds.
And so of course, Chris walks me to assembly and sits by me. He was incredibly tired, and had a pain in his chest. I did take note. Even if he can be a pain in the arse.


NOW


I can't stop thinking of him. He means so much to me, I only wish I could see into his eyes, and know the true feelings he has for me.
I still have his smell, and the fond memories of having him hold me. It's been 12 hours now, and I'm grabbing onto those memories tight before my dreams mess them up.
18 more sleeps.
2 and a bit more weeks.